I'm Not Your Cinderella

Every now and then, you get in a position where you just feel stuck. You don't know what to do, what to think, where to turn, or who to call. And when those times come, there's only three things you can do.

1. Put the past in the past. You have to realize that everything happens for a reason. You may not know what those reasons are, but you have to acknowledge that they're there and eventually you'll figure them out. You also have to realize that you can't change things once they've happened, all you can do is move on and learn from the experiences.
2. Keep your chin up. Forget the fake smiles, and just be proud. Be proud of who you are and know that you can only improve from here. We are ever changing and ever growing and no matter where you stand at this moment, if you pick you head up and stay positive, you'll be heading in the right direction.
3. Move forward. The first step is the hardest, but it's also the most important. And make sure you keep moving, don't take the first step then turn back. Don't rush it, but just keep moving at your own pace.

What Would You Give To Get Away?

Belting this out in the shower today, sometimes all you need is some Train<3 ;

"If I could ride this slide into forever

What would I give to getaway

That pain that stayed

Seemed like forever

What would you give to getaway?

I know this is how I could be over you

You know this is not another waste of time

All this holding on can't be wrong

Just come back to me and I am not alone"

Blinded By Love

“So in the middle of all the noise, I point to the sky. I hope he understands what I mean, because I mean so many things: My heart will always fly his name. I won't go gentle. I'll find a way to soar like the angels in the stories and I will find him. And I know he understands as he looks straight at me, deep into my eyes. His lips move silently, and I know what he says: the words of a poem that only two people in the world know. Tears well up but I blink them away. Because if there is one moment in my life that I want to see clearly, this is it.”

“Everyone has something of beauty about them. But loving let's you look, and look, and look again. You notice the back of a hand, the turn of a head, the way of a walk. When you first love, you look blind and you see it all as the glorious, beloved whole, or a beautiful sum of beautiful parts. But when you see the one you love as pieces, as why's, you can love those parts too, and it's a love at once more complicated and more complete.”

The Little Things Count

Just wanted to say that I miss you. You will always be in my thoughts and my heart no matter what. So many little things happen every day that just make me think of you. And with Christmas so close I can't stop wishing you were here. I just finished my first semester of college and I know you'd be proud of me. I met this kid at work and he kind of reminds me of you. Cocky and dorky all at the same time. He's definitely his own person, just like you always were. You never conformed the way Alex or I did, you were just you no matter what. I always admired you for that. Anyway, I just wanted to say that I miss you and I'm thinking about you. Love you bro<3

What If I Say That I'll Never Surrender

Some things need to be all or nothing, black or white, yes or no. There is no in between, no shades of gray, and no maybes. You don't want to lose me? You lost me when you told me to leave. When you asked me to walk out the door. You were my everything and you brought me down to nothing. And you expect everything to just go back to the way it was? You couldn't lose me if you tried, I'm not yours anymore. So why are we still half-assing this 'relationship'? In the words of Taylor Swift, "we're never getting back together" so stop trying! It's never gonna happen.

I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In

Been a while since I blogged but not a lot has happened. Drama with Sean, Jon is pretty hot and cold, class is almost over just waiting for finals, and I've been working my ass off at Dick's. Nothing really new. Hung out with Sean a couple times, things are going okay. He still desperately wants me back and I'm still not interested in a relationship. Jon has been weird. Katy Perry could write a number of songs about out relationship. Hot and Cold is the current one though. Sometimes things are totally normal and we chill like we used to and its great and then sometimes its awkward, he seems reserved. I'm sure I'm just over reacting like always though. I'm so happy classes are over for this semester but I'm not ready for next semester yet. 5 classes is gonna be ridiculous especially if I'm working too, I don't know if I could handle that. Speaking of work, it's been ridiculous. 8-10 hour shifts 6 days a week. Usually closing too so I'm there till about midnight, it's been crazy. The people are all pretty nice though, so that's good. And the guys there are hot as fuckkkk. Anywayy, not much else to say so I'll hop off for a while but hopefully it won't be as long before I hop back on.

My Life For Hire

Today I went to the movies with Sean and saw The Life of Pi. For anyone who hasn't seen it, stop waiting. For anyone who isn't interested in seeing it, get interested. And for anyone who isn't sure, believe me when I tell you that it will change your outlook on life. There is beauty all around us. It isn't in the clothes or the make up or the cars or anything else like that, it's in the world around us, in the nature we see every day and take for granted. There is so much out there to explore and to be seen and I wish I had the privilege to see it. To see the ocean at night, and not just the shore, I mean the middle of the ocean with all that life swimming right underneath you. I couldn't imagine what it's like working in a zoo or living in one, and I'd have to say that would be a dream come true for me. Animals are nothing like people. People are selfish liars. Animals have nothing to hide. A dog will love you unconditionally regardless of skin tone, gender, or sexual preference. As long as you treat it right, it will love you till it dies. You will never meet a person who loves anything the way a dog loves. An animal sees every day as a gift, and is more thankful to simply be alive than most people ever are in their life. I hope that one day I will have the privilege to spend my life with animals because I would take them over people any day. 

I Wanna Grow Old With You

I've come to the conclusion that I'm never getting married. But that doesn't mean I want to live the single life forever and party with random guys every night or any of that bullshit. I still want a serious relationship. I want to fall in love and all that junk, and I do believe that everyone has a soul mate. But that doesn't mean that you only love once. I know that I will love more deeply than I every imagined, but eventually it'll probably end. And then once I've healed, I'll fall in love again. I understand that and I'm okay with it. I also know that with marriage comes divorce, and I don't want that. I want to fall in love and move in together and grow old together but I don't want to have kids and put them through the pain of watching their parents get divorced. My parents were divorced by the time I was born, and I was 16 before I really knew who my dad was. I went through countless step dads who were all monsters in some way shape or form, and I'm not gonna be responsible for putting a child through that. So in conclusion, I'm never getting married.

College Experience?

I've literally spent my entire day sitting in front of this laptop attempting to write this damn research paper, and I think it's time I give up for the night. I've gotten about 4 1/2 pages done so far and I don't see it getting any further. The only problem is, I feel like it sucks. My whole introduction is all about designer babies and choosing traits, but the body is about screening for genetic disorders and gender selection, I barely have anything about actually choosing traits. In my most recent paragraph I finally brought up the topic because I realized I had barely said anything about it yet but I don't have much more to say about it. I explained the process behind it, but there really isn't much more to say on it. When I finish it tomorrow I think I'm gonna have Jon look at it and see what he thinks. I'm just not confident in it yet and it's due on Wednesday.

On another note, I started talking to Sean today. I had the craziest dream last night, not even gonna begin to explain it, but Sean was in it and it really made me miss him. I do love him still deep down, but when he walked away he broke my heart, and although I got past it, my heart never healed, and now it's like it won't me let him in.

Baby Steps

I cleared things up with Sean, me and Jon are back on the right track, and I'm making friends at work. They're baby steps but progress is progress. This is gonna be a short entry cause I have to get ready for work, but I'm taking the steps to get back to a happy life, even if it doesn't have a man in it :)

With The Birds I'll Share This Lonely View

Spending the day with Sean did not make my situation any better, and in fact I think I just dug myself a little deeper into the pit of despair. I thought that spending more time together would help me to want to be with him. That maybe re-enacting all the things we used to do together would remind why I was so in love with him before, but it's like all I'm seeing are reasons to not be together. Or not even reasons, it's just making me not want to be with him. I just want to be friends, but I feel like that isn't possible because he wants so much more. He's trying so hard and it's just making the situation worse. I just need time and space and he doesn't get that. He just wants to be together and every time we hang out or talk or anything it just gets his hopes up and I don't want to have to bring him back down to reality because I don't know how to without breaking his heart. I feel like I should just be alone but I don't want to be. I want to be with Jon but I know I can't. When I'm with him I can't help but watch him. Not in a creepy 'Edward Cullen watch you sleep at night' kind of way but just like everything he does fascinates me. The way he moves, talks, laughs, everything. How when he's drunk he has to pause before responding because it takes him a couple seconds to comprehend what's happening. How even the littlest thing can bring the biggest smile to his face. How even when a meaningless comment from him makes someone else instigate a fight, he just lets it go like it isn't worth getting mad over. He always wants to please people, even if it seems like they're against him. How you can see the muscles in his arms and legs shift and flex with every movement. The look of concentration he gets when he's doing math and the difference between that concentration and the kind he has working out the gym. I admire the passion he has for racing and the way he lights up at the chance to talk about it. I wish I had that kind of passion about anything. I like that he makes me feel good about myself. Most attractive, goal-oriented guys makes you feel like shit but he always makes me feel good. He compliments me, but not in a bullshit way like most guys, you can tell he means it. He doesn't tell me I'm perfect, because he knows I am flawed and he doesn't tell me I'm the most beautiful girl in the world because that's obviously a lie too but he tells me I'm gorgeous and means it, he would never lie to me, he sticks up for me, he even threatened one of his best friends for me. He would fight a bear for me if he had to. I just hope Maggie knows how lucky she is because I know if I had a guy like Jon I would give up the world for him and there's no way I'd ever let him go. In the end I just want to be happy, but I know deep down that I don't need a guy to be happy. I'm trying to make myself happy on my own but it seems like guys are the ones bringing me down. I was doing great before Jon started crushing on me and Sean came back into my life. I was happy, had my shit together, had a great job and good friends. Then everything changed. I just have to get my life back on track.

She was the girl left alone
Feeling the need  to make me her home.
I don't know what, when, or why;
The twilight of love had arrived.

Little Girl, You're In The Middle Of The Ride

Caught in the middle of Jon and Sean and I don't know where to turn. I love Sean, but I'd rather be with Jon. And I know Jon's crazy about me but he loves Maggie more. Liking Jon is like being on a roller-coaster  You start off slow, and for a little while you think this is it so you get used to it, tell yourself it isn't so bad if it stays this way. But then the next thing you know, you're so high up and you don't even know how you got there. All you can think about is how terrified you are to fall. And then it happens, a drop so fast you can barely breathe. But then you stop, even though you didn't hit the bottom yet. You look around and see that you're on your way back up. You think "this has to be the end". It's only a matter of time before you're on top of the world and you start to think nothing can bring you down when you're this high up. But the reality is, the higher up you get, the farther and faster you fall. And you soon realize that every roller-coaster ends right back on the bottom where it began. I'm trying to tell myself that liking Jon anymore than a friend is useless because it's never gonna happen, and I'm trying to be happy with Sean but all I can think about is how I want Jon to be the one that loves me. The one who would describe their perfect day as one that starts and ends with me. But I know deep down that that's never gonna be the case. And I do love Sean and I know that he loves me and I'm trying so hard to make it work but at the same time I feel so guilty about it. I don't want Sean to be my second option and I can't help feeling like the only reason I'm trying to make it work is because I can't be with Jon. I feel like a horrible person and I don't want to be but I don't know what to do anymore.

A Few More Words of Wisdom

as we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to let you down probably will. you will have your heart broken more than once and it's harder every time. you'll break hearts too so remember how it felt when yours was broken. you'll fight with your best friend. you'll blame a new love for things an old one did. you'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you love.
so take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt, because every 60 seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back.

Where Have All The Good Men Gone & Where Are All The Gods?

I don't wanna say I hate having options, because that would be a lie. Nobody wants to be stuck with one choice. But sometimes when we have options, they can both look really good and we don't know which one to pick. Or one could be disguised as something really good, when in reality it's a horrible option. How do you choose? I have no idea if I want to be with Sean or not. I love him, there's no doubt in my mind about that and I know that he loves me, but I don't know if us being together is really what's best for me. When we're together, I can't imagine myself with anyone else and I know that I want to be with him for the rest of my life. But I'm a kid, I don't know anything about what I want for my future so I can say that I want to spend it with him? And when I'm not with him, I think about all the other possibilities that my future could hold. So how do I know what's the right choice? People say, follow your heart or do what you think is right or what's best for yourself but it's not that easy. My heart doesn't have a clue what it wants and my head has no idea what's best for me. Jon says that realistically, chances are if we broke up before we'll break up again, but I think his judgement may be partially clouded. And Kyle say's if he makes me happy then go for it, but Kyle's just a kid. And so is Sean. Do I want to be with a kid who's still in high school while I'm trying to plan my future? Or do I want to find a real man who wants me to be his future?

Words of Wisdom

“Some famous guy once said, ‘To travel is better than to arrive‘. and I was like ‘What!?’ Well, because I used to think that there was only one path to take to where you wanna get to be in life. But if you choose that one path, that doesn't mean you have to abandon all the others. I realized that it’s actually what happens along the way….that counts. The stumbles or the falls. The friendships. It’s the journey. Not the destination. You just gotta -I guess- trust the future will work itself out like it’s supposed to.”
-Step Up 3

Out With The Old, in With The New

I'd like to say my life is on track and everything is perfect but this isn't the end of a Disney movie. I haven't stumbled across a house of dwarfs, defeated an evil queen, met my fairy godmother, or been rescued by my Prince Charming. Instead, I signed up for my classes next semester, became a liberal arts major so I can transfer to an architecture major, got a good job at a sporting goods store, made a really good friend who I spend a lot of time with, and started talking to Sean again. We're taking things slow and not jumping into any commitments yet, but we're atleast seeing each other again and things are going pretty good. I think I'm almost happy again. I'm spending the summer with my second mom Laurel, and I'll be interning at her company getting some experience in sports event management and broadening my mind a little bit. I'm expanding my options and taking control of my life.

Brighter Than the Sun

Today has been one of the best days I've had in a while. Last night I started talking to this guy Mike (19, lives in Farmington, plays college hockey, really sweet and fucking cute!) and he's pretty great. He makes me feel pretty good about myself and connect really well. Plus he's so hott! So I had a great night-morning, slept about 6 hours, then got ready for class. Worked with Matt in English, learning about descriptive writing and we wrote a story together. Hung out with him for a little after class, then went home for lunch. Off to math class where I finally talked to that really cute kid with the man sandals that sits a couple rows in front of me! (Jon: lives in Canaan, moving to Torrington, works at Limerock and used to be a personal trainer!) We talked about all kinds of stuff, hit it off really good, then he asked me to sit with him for class so I did, then after class walked me to my car and asked for my number, then 10 minutes later texted me! Stopped at Sean's and picked up the tv, dvd player, and my hoodies. It was a pretty awkward, dead silent, got my stuff and left. Picked up Jess and hit the gym. Saw Ron on my way there so of course he started texting me, and then saw Greg at the gym to talked to him for a little bit. Had a great workout, dropped Jess off, came home to relax and eat dinner and now I'm here. And that about sums up my wonderful day<3

Little Bit of Heaven With a Wild Side

I've come to the conclusion that if I'm gonna spend my nights alone, I should atleast get drunk cause it's a hell of a lot better than being alone and sober. I feel bad bailing on Mike but I'm just not comfortable sleeping over his house so I'm gonna skip and sleep over Ashley's instead. And yes, it may have something to do with the fact that I can't stop thinking about Richard but SHHH! ;) I've decided that I just need to drink more and care less.

Isn't There a Superman to Sweep Me Off My Feet?

Every now and then you think you like a guy, and things seem great, and then you take a step back, analyze the situation, and realize that you're so not interested anymore. The problem here is, how do you break the news without seeming heartless? I'm supposed to sleep over Mike's on Friday but I'm not so into the idea anymore. I can't stop thinking about Richard and I know that's bad but I can't help it. I'd way rather ditch Mike, go up to Ashley's, get drunk, and make out with Richard again. Maybe I'll just stop thinking about guys. I'll just be completely sex deprived and alone and not even think about guys in any way other than strictly friends. Honestly, I don't think I have the willpower. I just wanna be drunk 24/7 cause it seems like every time I get drunk I make out with someone. 1) Kelsey 2) Kyle 3) Richard. All of those have been amazing. The only not so great one was Kyle but at the time I enjoyed it so it wasn't too bad. Maybe I'll just become an alcoholic...

It Only Hurts When I'm Sober

Kissed Mike today and it definitely got a positive reaction. I think I might be falling for him, but I still can't help thinking about Sean every now and then. There's no doubt in my mind that I still love him and I know I will for a while. I'm slowly moving on and putting the past in the past but I can't help missing the times we used to have together. I'm supposed to sleep over Mike's on Friday when he gets out of work, and he said he'd cook me dinner and we'd have the house to ourselves. I'm nervous but excited too. I guess I'll just take things one day at a time and see where it leads. This could either be a good rebound till the store closes, or the start of something new. Only time will tell.

On The Upside of a Downward Spiral

Slowly getting over Sean but I can't help feeling like every step forward is really bringing me two steps back. Last night me and Ashley went to a party with her brother, Richard, and of course, after everything that happened with Ashley and her ex-best friend Valerie (she had been sleeping with Richard for two months before Ashley found out), me and Richard made out while Ashley would've been falling over drunk if it hadn't been for this guy Joe holding her up. Of course I told her about it right away and she's okay with it, but I don't know if I am. Don't get me wrong, there's no doubt I'm attracted to him, but now I can't stop thinking about it. I don't think he even remembers what happened, and that's probably a good thing, but I feel the same way I did after what happened with Kelsey. I can't help wishing I had done more. Unlike what happened with Kyle, where I can't help wishing nothing had happened. Speaking of, things with Kyle are so different now. He probably doesn't want to hang out with me because he's afraid of a repeat but that's the last thing I would let happen. The other thing I'm not sure about is Mike, one of the managers at work. He's totally into me and I'm pretty into him but I don't know if I should get into things with him, he's not only my manager but he's also 26. However, I can't just not get into things, I dug myself pretty deep last night with a few unexpected drunk texts. I have to be at work in 2 hours and I'm so nervous! I'm supposed to kiss him today but I don't know if I can. I guess we'll see what happens!

Rebound?

Thank god I never have anything going on before 10AM cause I don't seem to sleep anymore. Being in my bed just reminds me of how alone I am. The only time I slept good since the break-up was Friday night due to a good mix of Vodka and hormones. The comfort of being with Kyle mixed with the fuzzy feeling in my stomach (a perfect combination of alcohol and butterflies) and the fact that it was 4AM by the time I got back in bed, I slept like a baby. Me and Kyle are pretty back on track, and Liam's talking to me again, although I'm starting to doubt if I really want him to. I knew he just wanted to get in my pants but I didn't think he'd guilt trip me into it with what happened between me and Kyle. I don't even know what to do at this point. I don't want to have sex with Liam because I like Kyle, but Kyle doesn't like me back and the rebound sex might do me some good. I'm getting over Sean on my own though and I don't want to use Liam just to fast forward through it.

Two Sides to the Story

It seems like talking things out with Kyle wasn't exactly the answer to my problems. He thought I was drunk too, but knowing that I wasn't makes me feel like I took advantage of the fact that he was. I know he regrets what happened, he's just too nice to admit it to me. But how do I tell him that I don't regret it without making things weird? Maybe I should bury down my feelings and just pretend it never happened, but I don't want to forget. I keep thinking about doing it again, and thinking about how he wouldn't want to.

Undefined

I've decided that I have to stop drinking with guys, cause it never seems to end well. Not only was I left to walk him home at 3AM and stand by while he puked in my neighbors yard, I can't help thinking about the fact that sober, last night probably never would've happened. He may have said he still would've kissed me, but would I have had the guts to initiate if he wasn't so drunk? And even if we had kissed, we never would've gotten as far as we did last night. Does that mean he regrets it? I outed my feelings but he still hasn't outed his. How do I know if he feels the same way or if he's just getting out his sexual frustration? I'd like to get on the same page but I don't want to saran wrap myself around him either. How do I clarify without looking desperate?

You Gave My Emptiness a Name

I messed up big time with Sean. I know that a good portion of our problems was my fault. I know that it was my own insecurities that made me get mad at him all the time. And I know that I have a hell of a lot of work to do on myself to make things work between us, I'm just praying that he can find it in his heart to forgive me. I know I've put him through a lot of shit that he didn't deserve to go through. I'm working on doing some soulsearching, and a lot of thinking. I just hope that it's enough. I would do anything for him, to keep him in my life. I just don't know what he wants me to do. I know I need to control my anger and my insecurities and I'm going to. I promise I'm going to. I just don't know if that's enough for him. I'm beginning to come to grips with my own problems, where before I never acknowledged them as my problems, they were always someone else's problems. I've been hurting the people that I love and I'm just now starting to realize that. I don't want to keep hurting other people, and I don't want to keep hurting myself. I know it's gonna take a while for me to fix myself, I just really hope that Sean will be patient with me, as he always has been. And I promise I won't keep taking him for granted. I just want him to let me come back. To let me love him in all the ways that I haven't been lately. I know I can't keep getting mad at him, I have to talk things out with him when they bother me, not just yell at him. I need to realize that a lot of things are my fault, and I need to figure out how to fix them on my own, and not get mad at him because I'm too stubborn and proud to admit my faults. I said a lot of things to him recently that I never should've said. Things that aren't true. I was mad at Sadie, and it wasn't right for me to take it out on him. And I regret that more than anything right now, because that's why I lost him. I'm so sorry Sean, I just want you back, and I promise I'll do anything. I will always love you.

Day Off?

Hooray for finally having a day off! The only problem is, I feel like there's so much to do and so little time. I didn't want to wake up early cause who knows when I'll get to sleep in again, but I have so much to get done before 2pm! Hopefully I'll get everything done in time because at 2 I have to pick Sean up from school so we can come back here and paint my bathroom together, so I have to make sure everything is prepped before he gets here. I cleaned some of the house and checked what my homework is but I still have to copy my math notes into my new notebook, do the homework, then check the homework, and lastly correct the ones I got wrong before prepping the bathroom. However, my homework isn't due until Monday, but how do I know when I'll have another chance to do it? I'm supposed to have tomorrow off too but who knows if that will actually happen.
Blogging my worries doesn't seem to be helping so maybe I should look at the bright side of things. Work is going great, and I'm getting a ton of hours, so hopefully once I finally get paid, I'll have some spending money. I've been dying to do some shopping, but it's been forever since I've gotten any money. Maybe I should just stop procrastinating and get some work done...

Progress?

I'd like to say my life is finally getting back on track again. I just got a job at Spirit Halloween (the coolest place ever) and even though its only for like 2 months, it's something to get me on the right track. Along with finally getting a job, I should hopefully start classes at Northwestern on Wednesday, depending on which classes I sign up for on Monday. Me and Sean will be celebrating our 6 month in about a week and I couldn't be happier with him. I love him with all my heart, but is it normal for me to doubt our relationship a little bit? I can't help missing the sense of adventure that comes with a new crush, not knowing how things will go, the challenge of trying to get them, and I don't have that with Sean anymore. Everything is so easy, so natural with us, that the adventure is gone. Is that normal?