Spending the day with Sean did not make my situation any better, and in fact I think I just dug myself a little deeper into the pit of despair. I thought that spending more time together would help me to want to be with him. That maybe re-enacting all the things we used to do together would remind why I was so in love with him before, but it's like all I'm seeing are reasons to not be together. Or not even reasons, it's just making me not want to be with him. I just want to be friends, but I feel like that isn't possible because he wants so much more. He's trying so hard and it's just making the situation worse. I just need time and space and he doesn't get that. He just wants to be together and every time we hang out or talk or anything it just gets his hopes up and I don't want to have to bring him back down to reality because I don't know how to without breaking his heart. I feel like I should just be alone but I don't want to be. I want to be with Jon but I know I can't. When I'm with him I can't help but watch him. Not in a creepy 'Edward Cullen watch you sleep at night' kind of way but just like everything he does fascinates me. The way he moves, talks, laughs, everything. How when he's drunk he has to pause before responding because it takes him a couple seconds to comprehend what's happening. How even the littlest thing can bring the biggest smile to his face. How even when a meaningless comment from him makes someone else instigate a fight, he just lets it go like it isn't worth getting mad over. He always wants to please people, even if it seems like they're against him. How you can see the muscles in his arms and legs shift and flex with every movement. The look of concentration he gets when he's doing math and the difference between that concentration and the kind he has working out the gym. I admire the passion he has for racing and the way he lights up at the chance to talk about it. I wish I had that kind of passion about anything. I like that he makes me feel good about myself. Most attractive, goal-oriented guys makes you feel like shit but he always makes me feel good. He compliments me, but not in a bullshit way like most guys, you can tell he means it. He doesn't tell me I'm perfect, because he knows I am flawed and he doesn't tell me I'm the most beautiful girl in the world because that's obviously a lie too but he tells me I'm gorgeous and means it, he would never lie to me, he sticks up for me, he even threatened one of his best friends for me. He would fight a bear for me if he had to. I just hope Maggie knows how lucky she is because I know if I had a guy like Jon I would give up the world for him and there's no way I'd ever let him go. In the end I just want to be happy, but I know deep down that I don't need a guy to be happy. I'm trying to make myself happy on my own but it seems like guys are the ones bringing me down. I was doing great before Jon started crushing on me and Sean came back into my life. I was happy, had my shit together, had a great job and good friends. Then everything changed. I just have to get my life back on track.
She was the girl left alone
Feeling the need to make me her home.
I don't know what, when, or why;
The twilight of love had arrived.
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