Forever and Always

I can finally say I'm beginning to feel complete with who I am. I was going through a rough patch where I just didn't feel good about myself. Sometimes I feel like everything I do is wrong, like I'm not good for anything, I just fuck things up, and I'll never be good enough for anyone. But Rikki helped me get through that. He makes me feel like I'm worth something. He makes me so happy, but not just like, I'm happy when I'm with him, it's more like, he makes me feel like a better person. I'm so used to being knocked down, but he helps me get back up again and stand a little taller. Plus he's just amazing. I'm so in love with him, with everything about him. So many people are trying to break us apart, or just talking smack about us, about me to him, about him to me, but none of it matters. He's perfect in my eyes, and I wouldn't trade him for the world.

But anyway, this isn't all about him, it's about me too and right now I feel like this huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I'm finally done with this semester and I can just focus on work and enjoying my summer with the most amazing boyfriend. I have no worries right now, other than the typically shit at my house, but not even that can tear me down. 

Insecurities

Why do I always feel like I'm just not good enough? I never feel like I'm good enough for anybody. And that's why everyone always leaves. Boyfriends, friends, I mean my parents didn't even want me. And if I was never good enough for any of them, why would I be good enough for Rikki now? I'm not. And I will never feel like I am. Why should he stick around? I'm never gonna be good enough for him, and there will always be better girls out there. People in my life only stick around while it's convenient for them. Eventually they're gonna leave, and maybe they'll come back when they feel like it, cause you know I'll always be right here waiting. And this is exactly why I'm always gonna be waiting for Rikki to leave, no matter how many times he tells me he isn't going anywhere. Why would he stay? I'm not worth it.

Love And Be Loved

A few months ago I wrote in a post that I wanted a man to take on the world with and I think I found him. For almost two months now I've been with someone really amazing. He's reminded me that it's okay to feel something. He even showed me how when I didn't think I could anymore. It felt like fate. We thought we were broken beyond repair with nothing left, but he saw the real me that was buried down inside, and I saw him. And from the moment we met I've loved every part of him. I thought he was just some guy who didn't really give a shit, but now I know that he's a sweetheart who wants the same thing I do, to love and be loved. I don't know if I'm ready to be loved but I know that if I am, I want it to be him and no one else. He's all I think about, all I want. And I'm his, completely.

"Let others race to the moon,
Through time and space to the moon.
My goal is greater than this,
To reach your lips, to share your kiss.
To stay in your arms
Is the dream I pursue.
To be sheltered and safe from the storm,
To be cozy and ever so warm,
And for always to love 
And be loved by you."

I Live To Let You Shine

I'm in love with this. Not just the video, but the song. Reminds me of the way I am, always doing things for other people, especially the ones I love. 
"If you'll be my star 
I'll be your sky You can hide underneath me and come out at night When I turn jet black And you show off your light I live to let you shine I live to let you shine 

But you can skyrocket away from me And never come back if you find another galaxy Far from here with more room to fly Just leave me your stardust to remember you by 

If you'll be my boat I'll be your sea A depth of pure blue just to probe curiosity Ebbing and flowing And pushed by a breeze I live to make you free I live to make you free 

But you can set sail to the west if you want to And pass the horizon, 'til I can't even see you Far from here Where the beaches are wide Just leave me your wake to remember you by"

I'm Strong On The Surface, Not All The Way Through

Today, I am an emotional mess. Granted I've had a pretty shitty day, but still. I like, can not stop crying and it's a little ridiculous. All because I really miss my fucking boyfriend, and he spent the one day I would have been able to see him with his best friend instead of me. And now it's probably gonna be yet another week before I get to see him again. So I've been sitting around doing absolutely nothing all day, except crying cause I'm a mess. Why am I so emotional today?? I hate being a woman. So many hormones making me go crazy. I wish I was a guy, shit would be so much simpler.

Since You've Been Gone

Hey Sam,
I just wanted to let you know that I miss you bro. I've been thinking about you so much lately. Especially that night at the hospital. I don't know why but I just can't seem to get it out of my head lately. I don't think I've ever felt so empty and alone in my life. At first I couldn't even look at you, I just couldn't bear to see you that way. I had to sit outside cause the cold air on my skin was the only thing that helped keep me in reality. Seeing Dad was probably the worst thing. I was outside alone when they showed up, and that meant I had to tell them. It was horrible Sam. I'm glad you never had to see him like that.Having him crying on my shoulder was by far the worst moment of my life. I can't even begin to tell you what it felt like. You're friends were really good to me though, really comforting. I just miss you so much. I think about you every day. I can't believe it's almost been a year since you've been gone. Well anyway, just wanted to let you know I was thinking about you, and I hope that where ever you are, you know how much I love you.

Commitment Issues?

I've come to the conclusion that commitment is simply not my thing. And I don't just mean with relationships, it's with everything. I can't keep friends, boyfriends, jobs, college/career plans, anything. I just can't seem to do it. Like, I'll make a new friend, and we'll be really good friends for a period of time, maybe even best friends. But sooner or later, it ends. I just walk out of their life. And it's the same way with boyfriends. And with jobs, I'll work somewhere for a little while and it'll be really good and then eventually it'll end. I'll make a future career plan, decide what I want to do. I'll stick with it for a little while, and then I'll abandon the idea and find something new. And I do the same thing with colleges. I always have to change things. Change the layout of my bedroom or the decorations on the walls. Change my hair, either cut or color. And now it's tattoos and piercings. I don't know why, but I can't help it. I can't even have a favorite thing for very long. Food, color, movie, band, genre of music, whatever. That's just how it is.

Love Poems

"Thinkers think and doers do
my job on earth is nothing but love you.
People live, and people die,
but you are everything in my eye.
Now things I say, or things I do
mean nothing when I look at you.
Pure perfection of the highest sort,
even if you're 5 feet short.
More today, and more tomorrow,
my love for you I do not borrow."

Just found this poem in my business management book, reminded me that love does still exist (:

The Remedy

Today I learned that the best way to end a shitty day is with a good friend, pizza, beer, your favorite football team, and some Left For Dead. No matter what happened before that, everything will be okay after.

My Blue Heaven

"And it's all too familiar,

and it happens all the time.

All the cards begin to stack up,

twisting heartache into fine

little pieces that avoid an awful crime,

but it's you I can't deny.

Is this all too familiar?

Does it happen all the time?

I'm just asking you to hear me.

Could you please, just once, just hear me?

More than anything you wanted to be right.

Still it's you, you, it's you I can't deny."

Dazed and Confused

There are so many things I wish I could say to so many people, I just don't know how. I don't know how to put what I feel into words. Whether it's pretending I don't have feelings for someone so I don't get hurt or pretending I do so I don't hurt them it's always just as hard. But then I have to think about would it be better to

1. pretend I don't have such strong feelings for them and then we can just stay friends and nothing will get complicated but then they'll never know how I really feel about them and maybe I'll lose them because they feel the same way about me but I'm too scared to let them get close,
2. or tell them how I really feel and risk everything and maybe they'll feel the same way and things will be great but maybe they won't and I'll lose a really good friend.

The other situation I'm faced with is should I

1. pretend that I feel the same way they do because I don't have the heart to tell them that I don't because I know it will hurt them and then eventually they figure out that I really don't actually like them because I can only pretend for so long and then it probably hurts them even worse,
2. or tell them straight up that I just don't feel that way about them and know that I've hurt them but hope that they can forgive me. After all, I can't help my feelings.

The main problem I have is that I can't put my thoughts into words and I don't know how to tell people how I really feel and I'm always so afraid of the outcome that I don't know what to choose. I know I led Troy on but I didn't mean to. I told him I wasn't ready for anything but maybe I could be with the right person. But that person just isn't him. He's been great to me, super sweet and everything but I just plain don't have those feelings for him. I thought if I kept going along with it sooner or later I might start to like him but I just don't. The other thing is Armand. He's a fucking amazing friend and the last thing I want to do is lose him or hurt him. I think I really like him, but I don't know if I should tell him or not. We made a deal that if either one of us fell for the other, we would keep it to ourselves. But what if I want to know? I don't know if it would be better to tell him straight up that I'm starting to have feelings for him, or if I should just keep it to myself. I just don't want to complicate things between us. I think maybe I should just give it some more time. I'll straighten things out with Troy first before I do anything with Armand because if anything does happen with us I want it to mean something.

Inner Beauty

I've learned that people judge other people because of their insecurities. When someone makes fun of someone else cause of their flaws its only because their ashamed of their own flaws. But everyone is flawed and that's what makes us all so perfect in our ways. You just have to see it in yourself and when you do, other people will see it too. It's not about loving yourself or others in spite of their flaws, but loving them because of their flaws. It's kind of like the quote I posted before;

“Everyone has something of beauty about them. But loving let's you look, and look, and look again. You notice the back of a hand, the turn of a head, the way of a walk. When you first love, you look blind and you see it all as the glorious, beloved whole, or a beautiful sum of beautiful parts. But when you see the one you love as pieces, as why's, you can love those parts too, and it's a love at once more complicated and more complete.”

But this time, it's about not just looking at someone as a whole and only seeing the surface, it's about looking at the different parts of them and seeing all the pieces that make up the whole. And when you can do that, you can see them for who they really are. 

Wishful Thinking

Have you ever missed someone so much it hurts? A pain stronger and deeper than one you ever imagined possible? It starts off as every little thing that happens you just wish you could tell them about it. See their face while they imagine it happening. But later it becomes wishing they could experience those little things that make your days worth living all on their own. Just one last time. And maybe it would make them want to stay, instead of leaving. Maybe if you had one chance, you could show them that life isn't always as bad as it seems. But then reality hits you like a punch in the gut and you know that none of that is possible. All the wishful thinking in the world couldn't give you that opportunity.

Don't Give Up On Me

"It's Called Love" 

"Nobody planned this 
Nobody knew
What was going through our heads 
To cause this madness 
I carved your name into a bullet 
So everyone could know that you were 
The last thing going through my head 
I would rip my heart out 
And wrap it up in a box 
Tied with a ribbon 
To give to you 
I carved your name on the blade 
So everyone could know that you were 
The one who brought me to this fate 
The only reason why I've made it this far 
Is because I know that tomorrow 
I get to see you 
To hear your voice ringing in my ears 
There is always that one person 
That I can never forget 
That person is you 
You may just be 
A person to the world 
But you are 
The world to me 
There were once images 
But slowly 
Words started to attach 
Your name echoes throughout my head 
When I look into your eyes 
I feel like that I'm safe 
Feel like that I can trust you 
Should I smile? 
Should I cry? 
Or should I just die? 
Love planted itself into my heart 
Though, it shall never be requited 
Just the feeling of it is good enough 
But it would be great if was requited."

I found this while looking for something I heard a long time ago. Actually, something I read about 3 years ago that I can't seem to find again. One day, I was browsing through google and I stumbled upon someone's blog. I don't remember the whole thing and I really wish I could, but basically it said something about "she wrote his name on the bullet so everyone would know he was the last thing that went through her head" and it talked about suicide in the most beautiful way. Which is hard to do because there's nothing beautiful about it. But he made it sound almost majestic and I can only dream that one day I'll be able to write like that. Another thing I read one time, I think in a book, maybe 13 Reasons Why or The Knife of Never Letting Go. And it was about giving up. "What it all comes down to, is me...giving up...on me, so please don't give up on me." I just wish I knew how the whole thing went.

One Of Those Days

Today's been one of those lazy days. Not one where I bum in my pj's and sleep all day, but just a nice, relaxed day. Me and my mom both had doctors appointments today at 2pm and went out to lunch together after, which was really nice because we don't get to do that a whole lot. When I got home, I hung around for a bit then went to the gym and got a really good work out in. Ran 2 1/2 miles and worked out legs, arms, thighs, and a little bit of abs. After that, I came home and cooked dinner for myself while watching Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory ( the original<3 ) because my mom had church tonight and my step dad wouldn't be home till almost 8pm. I ate spaghetti and pizza bagel bites, drank root beer, ate some ice cream, watched some good movies, and did some online shopping. All in all, I had a really good day. I'm really starting to get used to being on my own. I don't need a man in my life to be who I am. I can be happy all on my own because it's the little things that happen every day that get me there. But don't get me wrong, this doesn't mean that I don't want a guy in my life, because I would love to have one. However, I don't want just any one, I want the right one. I don't want a one night stand or another half-assed relationship, I want a guy that will stand by my side and take on the world with me. And if it takes me another 20 years to find him, then I'll wait with open arms.

A Love Story

"Maybe God has a bigger plan for me than I had for myself. Like this journey never ends. Like you were sent to me because I'm sick. To help me through all this. You're my angel."

A Walk to Remember has got to be my all time favorite love story. Some people like The Notebook or Pearl Harbor, and although they are touching movies, they are not great love stories. Of the following, which would you pick?

1. An rich girl and a poor boy fall in love, the girl gets sent away by her parents, and ends up falling for someone else. Years later, they see each other again, and the man has done everything to prove his unconditional love for him, but she can't decide between him and the security of her rich fiance. Eventually, they get together and grow old but she can't remember him, but he never gives up on her.
2. A Navy boy and a normal girl fall in love. He ends up a POW during Pearl Harbor, she thinks he's dead and ends up sleeping with his best friend. She gets pregnant. Then the best friend dies, and the first guy comes back. And even though she's pregnant with his dead best friend's child, they still end up together.
3. A reverend's daughter and a delinquent boy fall in love after he's forced to participate in the school play. After falling in love, he finds out she has leukemia, but sticks by her side through all of it, helps her complete as much of her 'bucket list' as he can, and even marries her before she dies because it's her last wish. 

Personally, I'd pick number 3. However, for a long time I wondered what the best love story of all time was. Was it one of these? Or could it even have been one of those classic Disney tales I loved so much as a kid? Or even the classes novel, A Love Story? But then I realized, the greatest love story, is the one you get to write yourself. The one that you personally get to live and breathe and feel with every ounce of your being.

The greatest love story is your own. You just have to be brave enough to write it.