Brighter Than the Sun

Today has been one of the best days I've had in a while. Last night I started talking to this guy Mike (19, lives in Farmington, plays college hockey, really sweet and fucking cute!) and he's pretty great. He makes me feel pretty good about myself and connect really well. Plus he's so hott! So I had a great night-morning, slept about 6 hours, then got ready for class. Worked with Matt in English, learning about descriptive writing and we wrote a story together. Hung out with him for a little after class, then went home for lunch. Off to math class where I finally talked to that really cute kid with the man sandals that sits a couple rows in front of me! (Jon: lives in Canaan, moving to Torrington, works at Limerock and used to be a personal trainer!) We talked about all kinds of stuff, hit it off really good, then he asked me to sit with him for class so I did, then after class walked me to my car and asked for my number, then 10 minutes later texted me! Stopped at Sean's and picked up the tv, dvd player, and my hoodies. It was a pretty awkward, dead silent, got my stuff and left. Picked up Jess and hit the gym. Saw Ron on my way there so of course he started texting me, and then saw Greg at the gym to talked to him for a little bit. Had a great workout, dropped Jess off, came home to relax and eat dinner and now I'm here. And that about sums up my wonderful day<3

Little Bit of Heaven With a Wild Side

I've come to the conclusion that if I'm gonna spend my nights alone, I should atleast get drunk cause it's a hell of a lot better than being alone and sober. I feel bad bailing on Mike but I'm just not comfortable sleeping over his house so I'm gonna skip and sleep over Ashley's instead. And yes, it may have something to do with the fact that I can't stop thinking about Richard but SHHH! ;) I've decided that I just need to drink more and care less.

Isn't There a Superman to Sweep Me Off My Feet?

Every now and then you think you like a guy, and things seem great, and then you take a step back, analyze the situation, and realize that you're so not interested anymore. The problem here is, how do you break the news without seeming heartless? I'm supposed to sleep over Mike's on Friday but I'm not so into the idea anymore. I can't stop thinking about Richard and I know that's bad but I can't help it. I'd way rather ditch Mike, go up to Ashley's, get drunk, and make out with Richard again. Maybe I'll just stop thinking about guys. I'll just be completely sex deprived and alone and not even think about guys in any way other than strictly friends. Honestly, I don't think I have the willpower. I just wanna be drunk 24/7 cause it seems like every time I get drunk I make out with someone. 1) Kelsey 2) Kyle 3) Richard. All of those have been amazing. The only not so great one was Kyle but at the time I enjoyed it so it wasn't too bad. Maybe I'll just become an alcoholic...

It Only Hurts When I'm Sober

Kissed Mike today and it definitely got a positive reaction. I think I might be falling for him, but I still can't help thinking about Sean every now and then. There's no doubt in my mind that I still love him and I know I will for a while. I'm slowly moving on and putting the past in the past but I can't help missing the times we used to have together. I'm supposed to sleep over Mike's on Friday when he gets out of work, and he said he'd cook me dinner and we'd have the house to ourselves. I'm nervous but excited too. I guess I'll just take things one day at a time and see where it leads. This could either be a good rebound till the store closes, or the start of something new. Only time will tell.

On The Upside of a Downward Spiral

Slowly getting over Sean but I can't help feeling like every step forward is really bringing me two steps back. Last night me and Ashley went to a party with her brother, Richard, and of course, after everything that happened with Ashley and her ex-best friend Valerie (she had been sleeping with Richard for two months before Ashley found out), me and Richard made out while Ashley would've been falling over drunk if it hadn't been for this guy Joe holding her up. Of course I told her about it right away and she's okay with it, but I don't know if I am. Don't get me wrong, there's no doubt I'm attracted to him, but now I can't stop thinking about it. I don't think he even remembers what happened, and that's probably a good thing, but I feel the same way I did after what happened with Kelsey. I can't help wishing I had done more. Unlike what happened with Kyle, where I can't help wishing nothing had happened. Speaking of, things with Kyle are so different now. He probably doesn't want to hang out with me because he's afraid of a repeat but that's the last thing I would let happen. The other thing I'm not sure about is Mike, one of the managers at work. He's totally into me and I'm pretty into him but I don't know if I should get into things with him, he's not only my manager but he's also 26. However, I can't just not get into things, I dug myself pretty deep last night with a few unexpected drunk texts. I have to be at work in 2 hours and I'm so nervous! I'm supposed to kiss him today but I don't know if I can. I guess we'll see what happens!

Rebound?

Thank god I never have anything going on before 10AM cause I don't seem to sleep anymore. Being in my bed just reminds me of how alone I am. The only time I slept good since the break-up was Friday night due to a good mix of Vodka and hormones. The comfort of being with Kyle mixed with the fuzzy feeling in my stomach (a perfect combination of alcohol and butterflies) and the fact that it was 4AM by the time I got back in bed, I slept like a baby. Me and Kyle are pretty back on track, and Liam's talking to me again, although I'm starting to doubt if I really want him to. I knew he just wanted to get in my pants but I didn't think he'd guilt trip me into it with what happened between me and Kyle. I don't even know what to do at this point. I don't want to have sex with Liam because I like Kyle, but Kyle doesn't like me back and the rebound sex might do me some good. I'm getting over Sean on my own though and I don't want to use Liam just to fast forward through it.

Two Sides to the Story

It seems like talking things out with Kyle wasn't exactly the answer to my problems. He thought I was drunk too, but knowing that I wasn't makes me feel like I took advantage of the fact that he was. I know he regrets what happened, he's just too nice to admit it to me. But how do I tell him that I don't regret it without making things weird? Maybe I should bury down my feelings and just pretend it never happened, but I don't want to forget. I keep thinking about doing it again, and thinking about how he wouldn't want to.