With The Birds I'll Share This Lonely View

Spending the day with Sean did not make my situation any better, and in fact I think I just dug myself a little deeper into the pit of despair. I thought that spending more time together would help me to want to be with him. That maybe re-enacting all the things we used to do together would remind why I was so in love with him before, but it's like all I'm seeing are reasons to not be together. Or not even reasons, it's just making me not want to be with him. I just want to be friends, but I feel like that isn't possible because he wants so much more. He's trying so hard and it's just making the situation worse. I just need time and space and he doesn't get that. He just wants to be together and every time we hang out or talk or anything it just gets his hopes up and I don't want to have to bring him back down to reality because I don't know how to without breaking his heart. I feel like I should just be alone but I don't want to be. I want to be with Jon but I know I can't. When I'm with him I can't help but watch him. Not in a creepy 'Edward Cullen watch you sleep at night' kind of way but just like everything he does fascinates me. The way he moves, talks, laughs, everything. How when he's drunk he has to pause before responding because it takes him a couple seconds to comprehend what's happening. How even the littlest thing can bring the biggest smile to his face. How even when a meaningless comment from him makes someone else instigate a fight, he just lets it go like it isn't worth getting mad over. He always wants to please people, even if it seems like they're against him. How you can see the muscles in his arms and legs shift and flex with every movement. The look of concentration he gets when he's doing math and the difference between that concentration and the kind he has working out the gym. I admire the passion he has for racing and the way he lights up at the chance to talk about it. I wish I had that kind of passion about anything. I like that he makes me feel good about myself. Most attractive, goal-oriented guys makes you feel like shit but he always makes me feel good. He compliments me, but not in a bullshit way like most guys, you can tell he means it. He doesn't tell me I'm perfect, because he knows I am flawed and he doesn't tell me I'm the most beautiful girl in the world because that's obviously a lie too but he tells me I'm gorgeous and means it, he would never lie to me, he sticks up for me, he even threatened one of his best friends for me. He would fight a bear for me if he had to. I just hope Maggie knows how lucky she is because I know if I had a guy like Jon I would give up the world for him and there's no way I'd ever let him go. In the end I just want to be happy, but I know deep down that I don't need a guy to be happy. I'm trying to make myself happy on my own but it seems like guys are the ones bringing me down. I was doing great before Jon started crushing on me and Sean came back into my life. I was happy, had my shit together, had a great job and good friends. Then everything changed. I just have to get my life back on track.

She was the girl left alone
Feeling the need  to make me her home.
I don't know what, when, or why;
The twilight of love had arrived.

Little Girl, You're In The Middle Of The Ride

Caught in the middle of Jon and Sean and I don't know where to turn. I love Sean, but I'd rather be with Jon. And I know Jon's crazy about me but he loves Maggie more. Liking Jon is like being on a roller-coaster  You start off slow, and for a little while you think this is it so you get used to it, tell yourself it isn't so bad if it stays this way. But then the next thing you know, you're so high up and you don't even know how you got there. All you can think about is how terrified you are to fall. And then it happens, a drop so fast you can barely breathe. But then you stop, even though you didn't hit the bottom yet. You look around and see that you're on your way back up. You think "this has to be the end". It's only a matter of time before you're on top of the world and you start to think nothing can bring you down when you're this high up. But the reality is, the higher up you get, the farther and faster you fall. And you soon realize that every roller-coaster ends right back on the bottom where it began. I'm trying to tell myself that liking Jon anymore than a friend is useless because it's never gonna happen, and I'm trying to be happy with Sean but all I can think about is how I want Jon to be the one that loves me. The one who would describe their perfect day as one that starts and ends with me. But I know deep down that that's never gonna be the case. And I do love Sean and I know that he loves me and I'm trying so hard to make it work but at the same time I feel so guilty about it. I don't want Sean to be my second option and I can't help feeling like the only reason I'm trying to make it work is because I can't be with Jon. I feel like a horrible person and I don't want to be but I don't know what to do anymore.

A Few More Words of Wisdom

as we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to let you down probably will. you will have your heart broken more than once and it's harder every time. you'll break hearts too so remember how it felt when yours was broken. you'll fight with your best friend. you'll blame a new love for things an old one did. you'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you love.
so take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt, because every 60 seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back.

Where Have All The Good Men Gone & Where Are All The Gods?

I don't wanna say I hate having options, because that would be a lie. Nobody wants to be stuck with one choice. But sometimes when we have options, they can both look really good and we don't know which one to pick. Or one could be disguised as something really good, when in reality it's a horrible option. How do you choose? I have no idea if I want to be with Sean or not. I love him, there's no doubt in my mind about that and I know that he loves me, but I don't know if us being together is really what's best for me. When we're together, I can't imagine myself with anyone else and I know that I want to be with him for the rest of my life. But I'm a kid, I don't know anything about what I want for my future so I can say that I want to spend it with him? And when I'm not with him, I think about all the other possibilities that my future could hold. So how do I know what's the right choice? People say, follow your heart or do what you think is right or what's best for yourself but it's not that easy. My heart doesn't have a clue what it wants and my head has no idea what's best for me. Jon says that realistically, chances are if we broke up before we'll break up again, but I think his judgement may be partially clouded. And Kyle say's if he makes me happy then go for it, but Kyle's just a kid. And so is Sean. Do I want to be with a kid who's still in high school while I'm trying to plan my future? Or do I want to find a real man who wants me to be his future?

Words of Wisdom

“Some famous guy once said, ‘To travel is better than to arrive‘. and I was like ‘What!?’ Well, because I used to think that there was only one path to take to where you wanna get to be in life. But if you choose that one path, that doesn't mean you have to abandon all the others. I realized that it’s actually what happens along the way….that counts. The stumbles or the falls. The friendships. It’s the journey. Not the destination. You just gotta -I guess- trust the future will work itself out like it’s supposed to.”
-Step Up 3

Out With The Old, in With The New

I'd like to say my life is on track and everything is perfect but this isn't the end of a Disney movie. I haven't stumbled across a house of dwarfs, defeated an evil queen, met my fairy godmother, or been rescued by my Prince Charming. Instead, I signed up for my classes next semester, became a liberal arts major so I can transfer to an architecture major, got a good job at a sporting goods store, made a really good friend who I spend a lot of time with, and started talking to Sean again. We're taking things slow and not jumping into any commitments yet, but we're atleast seeing each other again and things are going pretty good. I think I'm almost happy again. I'm spending the summer with my second mom Laurel, and I'll be interning at her company getting some experience in sports event management and broadening my mind a little bit. I'm expanding my options and taking control of my life.

Brighter Than the Sun

Today has been one of the best days I've had in a while. Last night I started talking to this guy Mike (19, lives in Farmington, plays college hockey, really sweet and fucking cute!) and he's pretty great. He makes me feel pretty good about myself and connect really well. Plus he's so hott! So I had a great night-morning, slept about 6 hours, then got ready for class. Worked with Matt in English, learning about descriptive writing and we wrote a story together. Hung out with him for a little after class, then went home for lunch. Off to math class where I finally talked to that really cute kid with the man sandals that sits a couple rows in front of me! (Jon: lives in Canaan, moving to Torrington, works at Limerock and used to be a personal trainer!) We talked about all kinds of stuff, hit it off really good, then he asked me to sit with him for class so I did, then after class walked me to my car and asked for my number, then 10 minutes later texted me! Stopped at Sean's and picked up the tv, dvd player, and my hoodies. It was a pretty awkward, dead silent, got my stuff and left. Picked up Jess and hit the gym. Saw Ron on my way there so of course he started texting me, and then saw Greg at the gym to talked to him for a little bit. Had a great workout, dropped Jess off, came home to relax and eat dinner and now I'm here. And that about sums up my wonderful day<3