Little Bit of Heaven With a Wild Side

I've come to the conclusion that if I'm gonna spend my nights alone, I should atleast get drunk cause it's a hell of a lot better than being alone and sober. I feel bad bailing on Mike but I'm just not comfortable sleeping over his house so I'm gonna skip and sleep over Ashley's instead. And yes, it may have something to do with the fact that I can't stop thinking about Richard but SHHH! ;) I've decided that I just need to drink more and care less.

Isn't There a Superman to Sweep Me Off My Feet?

Every now and then you think you like a guy, and things seem great, and then you take a step back, analyze the situation, and realize that you're so not interested anymore. The problem here is, how do you break the news without seeming heartless? I'm supposed to sleep over Mike's on Friday but I'm not so into the idea anymore. I can't stop thinking about Richard and I know that's bad but I can't help it. I'd way rather ditch Mike, go up to Ashley's, get drunk, and make out with Richard again. Maybe I'll just stop thinking about guys. I'll just be completely sex deprived and alone and not even think about guys in any way other than strictly friends. Honestly, I don't think I have the willpower. I just wanna be drunk 24/7 cause it seems like every time I get drunk I make out with someone. 1) Kelsey 2) Kyle 3) Richard. All of those have been amazing. The only not so great one was Kyle but at the time I enjoyed it so it wasn't too bad. Maybe I'll just become an alcoholic...

It Only Hurts When I'm Sober

Kissed Mike today and it definitely got a positive reaction. I think I might be falling for him, but I still can't help thinking about Sean every now and then. There's no doubt in my mind that I still love him and I know I will for a while. I'm slowly moving on and putting the past in the past but I can't help missing the times we used to have together. I'm supposed to sleep over Mike's on Friday when he gets out of work, and he said he'd cook me dinner and we'd have the house to ourselves. I'm nervous but excited too. I guess I'll just take things one day at a time and see where it leads. This could either be a good rebound till the store closes, or the start of something new. Only time will tell.

On The Upside of a Downward Spiral

Slowly getting over Sean but I can't help feeling like every step forward is really bringing me two steps back. Last night me and Ashley went to a party with her brother, Richard, and of course, after everything that happened with Ashley and her ex-best friend Valerie (she had been sleeping with Richard for two months before Ashley found out), me and Richard made out while Ashley would've been falling over drunk if it hadn't been for this guy Joe holding her up. Of course I told her about it right away and she's okay with it, but I don't know if I am. Don't get me wrong, there's no doubt I'm attracted to him, but now I can't stop thinking about it. I don't think he even remembers what happened, and that's probably a good thing, but I feel the same way I did after what happened with Kelsey. I can't help wishing I had done more. Unlike what happened with Kyle, where I can't help wishing nothing had happened. Speaking of, things with Kyle are so different now. He probably doesn't want to hang out with me because he's afraid of a repeat but that's the last thing I would let happen. The other thing I'm not sure about is Mike, one of the managers at work. He's totally into me and I'm pretty into him but I don't know if I should get into things with him, he's not only my manager but he's also 26. However, I can't just not get into things, I dug myself pretty deep last night with a few unexpected drunk texts. I have to be at work in 2 hours and I'm so nervous! I'm supposed to kiss him today but I don't know if I can. I guess we'll see what happens!

Rebound?

Thank god I never have anything going on before 10AM cause I don't seem to sleep anymore. Being in my bed just reminds me of how alone I am. The only time I slept good since the break-up was Friday night due to a good mix of Vodka and hormones. The comfort of being with Kyle mixed with the fuzzy feeling in my stomach (a perfect combination of alcohol and butterflies) and the fact that it was 4AM by the time I got back in bed, I slept like a baby. Me and Kyle are pretty back on track, and Liam's talking to me again, although I'm starting to doubt if I really want him to. I knew he just wanted to get in my pants but I didn't think he'd guilt trip me into it with what happened between me and Kyle. I don't even know what to do at this point. I don't want to have sex with Liam because I like Kyle, but Kyle doesn't like me back and the rebound sex might do me some good. I'm getting over Sean on my own though and I don't want to use Liam just to fast forward through it.

Two Sides to the Story

It seems like talking things out with Kyle wasn't exactly the answer to my problems. He thought I was drunk too, but knowing that I wasn't makes me feel like I took advantage of the fact that he was. I know he regrets what happened, he's just too nice to admit it to me. But how do I tell him that I don't regret it without making things weird? Maybe I should bury down my feelings and just pretend it never happened, but I don't want to forget. I keep thinking about doing it again, and thinking about how he wouldn't want to.

Undefined

I've decided that I have to stop drinking with guys, cause it never seems to end well. Not only was I left to walk him home at 3AM and stand by while he puked in my neighbors yard, I can't help thinking about the fact that sober, last night probably never would've happened. He may have said he still would've kissed me, but would I have had the guts to initiate if he wasn't so drunk? And even if we had kissed, we never would've gotten as far as we did last night. Does that mean he regrets it? I outed my feelings but he still hasn't outed his. How do I know if he feels the same way or if he's just getting out his sexual frustration? I'd like to get on the same page but I don't want to saran wrap myself around him either. How do I clarify without looking desperate?

You Gave My Emptiness a Name

I messed up big time with Sean. I know that a good portion of our problems was my fault. I know that it was my own insecurities that made me get mad at him all the time. And I know that I have a hell of a lot of work to do on myself to make things work between us, I'm just praying that he can find it in his heart to forgive me. I know I've put him through a lot of shit that he didn't deserve to go through. I'm working on doing some soulsearching, and a lot of thinking. I just hope that it's enough. I would do anything for him, to keep him in my life. I just don't know what he wants me to do. I know I need to control my anger and my insecurities and I'm going to. I promise I'm going to. I just don't know if that's enough for him. I'm beginning to come to grips with my own problems, where before I never acknowledged them as my problems, they were always someone else's problems. I've been hurting the people that I love and I'm just now starting to realize that. I don't want to keep hurting other people, and I don't want to keep hurting myself. I know it's gonna take a while for me to fix myself, I just really hope that Sean will be patient with me, as he always has been. And I promise I won't keep taking him for granted. I just want him to let me come back. To let me love him in all the ways that I haven't been lately. I know I can't keep getting mad at him, I have to talk things out with him when they bother me, not just yell at him. I need to realize that a lot of things are my fault, and I need to figure out how to fix them on my own, and not get mad at him because I'm too stubborn and proud to admit my faults. I said a lot of things to him recently that I never should've said. Things that aren't true. I was mad at Sadie, and it wasn't right for me to take it out on him. And I regret that more than anything right now, because that's why I lost him. I'm so sorry Sean, I just want you back, and I promise I'll do anything. I will always love you.

Day Off?

Hooray for finally having a day off! The only problem is, I feel like there's so much to do and so little time. I didn't want to wake up early cause who knows when I'll get to sleep in again, but I have so much to get done before 2pm! Hopefully I'll get everything done in time because at 2 I have to pick Sean up from school so we can come back here and paint my bathroom together, so I have to make sure everything is prepped before he gets here. I cleaned some of the house and checked what my homework is but I still have to copy my math notes into my new notebook, do the homework, then check the homework, and lastly correct the ones I got wrong before prepping the bathroom. However, my homework isn't due until Monday, but how do I know when I'll have another chance to do it? I'm supposed to have tomorrow off too but who knows if that will actually happen.
Blogging my worries doesn't seem to be helping so maybe I should look at the bright side of things. Work is going great, and I'm getting a ton of hours, so hopefully once I finally get paid, I'll have some spending money. I've been dying to do some shopping, but it's been forever since I've gotten any money. Maybe I should just stop procrastinating and get some work done...