Since You've Been Gone

Hey Sam,
I just wanted to let you know that I miss you bro. I've been thinking about you so much lately. Especially that night at the hospital. I don't know why but I just can't seem to get it out of my head lately. I don't think I've ever felt so empty and alone in my life. At first I couldn't even look at you, I just couldn't bear to see you that way. I had to sit outside cause the cold air on my skin was the only thing that helped keep me in reality. Seeing Dad was probably the worst thing. I was outside alone when they showed up, and that meant I had to tell them. It was horrible Sam. I'm glad you never had to see him like that.Having him crying on my shoulder was by far the worst moment of my life. I can't even begin to tell you what it felt like. You're friends were really good to me though, really comforting. I just miss you so much. I think about you every day. I can't believe it's almost been a year since you've been gone. Well anyway, just wanted to let you know I was thinking about you, and I hope that where ever you are, you know how much I love you.

Commitment Issues?

I've come to the conclusion that commitment is simply not my thing. And I don't just mean with relationships, it's with everything. I can't keep friends, boyfriends, jobs, college/career plans, anything. I just can't seem to do it. Like, I'll make a new friend, and we'll be really good friends for a period of time, maybe even best friends. But sooner or later, it ends. I just walk out of their life. And it's the same way with boyfriends. And with jobs, I'll work somewhere for a little while and it'll be really good and then eventually it'll end. I'll make a future career plan, decide what I want to do. I'll stick with it for a little while, and then I'll abandon the idea and find something new. And I do the same thing with colleges. I always have to change things. Change the layout of my bedroom or the decorations on the walls. Change my hair, either cut or color. And now it's tattoos and piercings. I don't know why, but I can't help it. I can't even have a favorite thing for very long. Food, color, movie, band, genre of music, whatever. That's just how it is.

Love Poems

"Thinkers think and doers do
my job on earth is nothing but love you.
People live, and people die,
but you are everything in my eye.
Now things I say, or things I do
mean nothing when I look at you.
Pure perfection of the highest sort,
even if you're 5 feet short.
More today, and more tomorrow,
my love for you I do not borrow."

Just found this poem in my business management book, reminded me that love does still exist (:

The Remedy

Today I learned that the best way to end a shitty day is with a good friend, pizza, beer, your favorite football team, and some Left For Dead. No matter what happened before that, everything will be okay after.

My Blue Heaven

"And it's all too familiar,

and it happens all the time.

All the cards begin to stack up,

twisting heartache into fine

little pieces that avoid an awful crime,

but it's you I can't deny.

Is this all too familiar?

Does it happen all the time?

I'm just asking you to hear me.

Could you please, just once, just hear me?

More than anything you wanted to be right.

Still it's you, you, it's you I can't deny."

Dazed and Confused

There are so many things I wish I could say to so many people, I just don't know how. I don't know how to put what I feel into words. Whether it's pretending I don't have feelings for someone so I don't get hurt or pretending I do so I don't hurt them it's always just as hard. But then I have to think about would it be better to

1. pretend I don't have such strong feelings for them and then we can just stay friends and nothing will get complicated but then they'll never know how I really feel about them and maybe I'll lose them because they feel the same way about me but I'm too scared to let them get close,
2. or tell them how I really feel and risk everything and maybe they'll feel the same way and things will be great but maybe they won't and I'll lose a really good friend.

The other situation I'm faced with is should I

1. pretend that I feel the same way they do because I don't have the heart to tell them that I don't because I know it will hurt them and then eventually they figure out that I really don't actually like them because I can only pretend for so long and then it probably hurts them even worse,
2. or tell them straight up that I just don't feel that way about them and know that I've hurt them but hope that they can forgive me. After all, I can't help my feelings.

The main problem I have is that I can't put my thoughts into words and I don't know how to tell people how I really feel and I'm always so afraid of the outcome that I don't know what to choose. I know I led Troy on but I didn't mean to. I told him I wasn't ready for anything but maybe I could be with the right person. But that person just isn't him. He's been great to me, super sweet and everything but I just plain don't have those feelings for him. I thought if I kept going along with it sooner or later I might start to like him but I just don't. The other thing is Armand. He's a fucking amazing friend and the last thing I want to do is lose him or hurt him. I think I really like him, but I don't know if I should tell him or not. We made a deal that if either one of us fell for the other, we would keep it to ourselves. But what if I want to know? I don't know if it would be better to tell him straight up that I'm starting to have feelings for him, or if I should just keep it to myself. I just don't want to complicate things between us. I think maybe I should just give it some more time. I'll straighten things out with Troy first before I do anything with Armand because if anything does happen with us I want it to mean something.

Inner Beauty

I've learned that people judge other people because of their insecurities. When someone makes fun of someone else cause of their flaws its only because their ashamed of their own flaws. But everyone is flawed and that's what makes us all so perfect in our ways. You just have to see it in yourself and when you do, other people will see it too. It's not about loving yourself or others in spite of their flaws, but loving them because of their flaws. It's kind of like the quote I posted before;

“Everyone has something of beauty about them. But loving let's you look, and look, and look again. You notice the back of a hand, the turn of a head, the way of a walk. When you first love, you look blind and you see it all as the glorious, beloved whole, or a beautiful sum of beautiful parts. But when you see the one you love as pieces, as why's, you can love those parts too, and it's a love at once more complicated and more complete.”

But this time, it's about not just looking at someone as a whole and only seeing the surface, it's about looking at the different parts of them and seeing all the pieces that make up the whole. And when you can do that, you can see them for who they really are.