Forever and Always

I can finally say I'm beginning to feel complete with who I am. I was going through a rough patch where I just didn't feel good about myself. Sometimes I feel like everything I do is wrong, like I'm not good for anything, I just fuck things up, and I'll never be good enough for anyone. But Rikki helped me get through that. He makes me feel like I'm worth something. He makes me so happy, but not just like, I'm happy when I'm with him, it's more like, he makes me feel like a better person. I'm so used to being knocked down, but he helps me get back up again and stand a little taller. Plus he's just amazing. I'm so in love with him, with everything about him. So many people are trying to break us apart, or just talking smack about us, about me to him, about him to me, but none of it matters. He's perfect in my eyes, and I wouldn't trade him for the world.

But anyway, this isn't all about him, it's about me too and right now I feel like this huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I'm finally done with this semester and I can just focus on work and enjoying my summer with the most amazing boyfriend. I have no worries right now, other than the typically shit at my house, but not even that can tear me down. 

Insecurities

Why do I always feel like I'm just not good enough? I never feel like I'm good enough for anybody. And that's why everyone always leaves. Boyfriends, friends, I mean my parents didn't even want me. And if I was never good enough for any of them, why would I be good enough for Rikki now? I'm not. And I will never feel like I am. Why should he stick around? I'm never gonna be good enough for him, and there will always be better girls out there. People in my life only stick around while it's convenient for them. Eventually they're gonna leave, and maybe they'll come back when they feel like it, cause you know I'll always be right here waiting. And this is exactly why I'm always gonna be waiting for Rikki to leave, no matter how many times he tells me he isn't going anywhere. Why would he stay? I'm not worth it.

Love And Be Loved

A few months ago I wrote in a post that I wanted a man to take on the world with and I think I found him. For almost two months now I've been with someone really amazing. He's reminded me that it's okay to feel something. He even showed me how when I didn't think I could anymore. It felt like fate. We thought we were broken beyond repair with nothing left, but he saw the real me that was buried down inside, and I saw him. And from the moment we met I've loved every part of him. I thought he was just some guy who didn't really give a shit, but now I know that he's a sweetheart who wants the same thing I do, to love and be loved. I don't know if I'm ready to be loved but I know that if I am, I want it to be him and no one else. He's all I think about, all I want. And I'm his, completely.

"Let others race to the moon,
Through time and space to the moon.
My goal is greater than this,
To reach your lips, to share your kiss.
To stay in your arms
Is the dream I pursue.
To be sheltered and safe from the storm,
To be cozy and ever so warm,
And for always to love 
And be loved by you."

I Live To Let You Shine

I'm in love with this. Not just the video, but the song. Reminds me of the way I am, always doing things for other people, especially the ones I love. 
"If you'll be my star 
I'll be your sky You can hide underneath me and come out at night When I turn jet black And you show off your light I live to let you shine I live to let you shine 

But you can skyrocket away from me And never come back if you find another galaxy Far from here with more room to fly Just leave me your stardust to remember you by 

If you'll be my boat I'll be your sea A depth of pure blue just to probe curiosity Ebbing and flowing And pushed by a breeze I live to make you free I live to make you free 

But you can set sail to the west if you want to And pass the horizon, 'til I can't even see you Far from here Where the beaches are wide Just leave me your wake to remember you by"

I'm Strong On The Surface, Not All The Way Through

Today, I am an emotional mess. Granted I've had a pretty shitty day, but still. I like, can not stop crying and it's a little ridiculous. All because I really miss my fucking boyfriend, and he spent the one day I would have been able to see him with his best friend instead of me. And now it's probably gonna be yet another week before I get to see him again. So I've been sitting around doing absolutely nothing all day, except crying cause I'm a mess. Why am I so emotional today?? I hate being a woman. So many hormones making me go crazy. I wish I was a guy, shit would be so much simpler.

Since You've Been Gone

Hey Sam,
I just wanted to let you know that I miss you bro. I've been thinking about you so much lately. Especially that night at the hospital. I don't know why but I just can't seem to get it out of my head lately. I don't think I've ever felt so empty and alone in my life. At first I couldn't even look at you, I just couldn't bear to see you that way. I had to sit outside cause the cold air on my skin was the only thing that helped keep me in reality. Seeing Dad was probably the worst thing. I was outside alone when they showed up, and that meant I had to tell them. It was horrible Sam. I'm glad you never had to see him like that.Having him crying on my shoulder was by far the worst moment of my life. I can't even begin to tell you what it felt like. You're friends were really good to me though, really comforting. I just miss you so much. I think about you every day. I can't believe it's almost been a year since you've been gone. Well anyway, just wanted to let you know I was thinking about you, and I hope that where ever you are, you know how much I love you.

Commitment Issues?

I've come to the conclusion that commitment is simply not my thing. And I don't just mean with relationships, it's with everything. I can't keep friends, boyfriends, jobs, college/career plans, anything. I just can't seem to do it. Like, I'll make a new friend, and we'll be really good friends for a period of time, maybe even best friends. But sooner or later, it ends. I just walk out of their life. And it's the same way with boyfriends. And with jobs, I'll work somewhere for a little while and it'll be really good and then eventually it'll end. I'll make a future career plan, decide what I want to do. I'll stick with it for a little while, and then I'll abandon the idea and find something new. And I do the same thing with colleges. I always have to change things. Change the layout of my bedroom or the decorations on the walls. Change my hair, either cut or color. And now it's tattoos and piercings. I don't know why, but I can't help it. I can't even have a favorite thing for very long. Food, color, movie, band, genre of music, whatever. That's just how it is.